Everything i know about dating i learned through surfing
I’ve started to notice the warning signs and steer my direction far away from them in recent years, but if there’s anything I’ve taken away from dating men who couldn’t give me the love and respect I deserved in return, it’s how to put myself first.
If you find yourself leaning toward these types of people, here are the things that I’ve learned from many failed relationships, so you don’t have to waste your time: Oh, but how you’ll try!
Though I tend to be someone who lives with her heart wide open and maintains an ever-hopeful spirit, no matter what life throws my way, I’ve tended to attract (and be attracted to) one very sad type of person: emotionally unavailable men.
They’re the type of guys who have a way of charming their way into your heart, your bedroom and your deepest fears, often taking advantage of your vulnerability and your desire to be a good partner.
But I realized something more important than surfing, more important than the ocean, and more important than the fun I was having with the jungle bachelor life, the Tarzan life: what it’s like to be a dad. Our personalities, our looks, the way we smile, the way we laugh, our energy, everything. She’s my daughter, my best friend, my soul mate, everything all rolled into one. If I win and do well at this, it’ll help us do some things we weren’t able to do before.” And she turns around and says, “And maybe we can help some more homeless people, too! (Pauses.) Her level of empathy, her level of compassion, and her level of love…
It’s one of those things I always said: I’ll never leave the islands, unless it’s for another tropical place, like Thailand, or maybe Big Sur or Santa Cruz — somewhere I can surf and also be in the mountains. S., about as far away from the ocean as you can get. You think to yourself, “Okay, how much of this child is actually like me? even in the beginning, before I had a chance to really impact her or influence her in anyway. I remember you when you were a kid, and this is a little girl version of you.” Everyone calls her my mini-me. Whether I’m going for a hike, or I’m going to the movies, or I’m going to the park to read a book, or whatever — she’s the person I want along with me. I said to her, “Sweetie, I’m going to go do this thing, I’m going to fight and do whatever I can.
And when you lose yourself, your child’s only getting a shell of what they should be getting from a solid parent. Wigler: So are you going to break out the flirt card, or what?
They’ll say they find comfort in your arms and your words. There’s a difference between that new relationship flutters that make you excited to see someone who has potential to be a big someone in your life, and feeling anxious all the time.
But when it’s needed, there’s no problem stepping into that warrior space of having to fight, and this is what I’m fighting for, and I have no problem with it.
So this is all about three or four years in the making. it’s something that used to come about when I was in athletics, or when I would fight with my brothers. but at the same time, there’s this kind, jovial, compassionate underbelly.
I took me a few years to finally detach from them and not only see their true colors but accept them, but I tell ya — there’s nothing more empowering than saying ‘This isn’t enough for me.’ Because it wasn’t. The first step to getting there was walking away from the bad to give myself the opportunity to find the good.
And for me, what’s so special about knowing that and believing it, is fully trusting that there will be a person who is willing to give themself to a real relationship, with all of its vulnerabilities and love.